Trent - on the police shooting a suspected terrorist...

Trent: "Yeah they shot a guy this morning."
Me: "Why did they shoot him?"
Trent: "They thought he was going to detonate a gun."
Me: "He was going to detonate a gun?"
Trent: "No - I mean detonate a bum."

It has been a while...a few recent classics...

In an argument with Paul T, who Trent accused of swearing, the following exchange took place:

Paul T: "But I didn't actually say it!"

Trent: "No - but you incinerated it!"
...

On seeing a man with a sunburnt (bald) head: "Look at that guys currant bun!"

"I could count the number of times I have spoken to him on one finger."

On being late: "I was laywayed."

On tickets for the Brentford/Southhampton game: "They're like sawdust!"

One from Paul T, who is catching the disease: "He's as shifty as an Eel."

A couple more:

"After that House wine the Marlow was really strong" [meaning 'Merlot']

[in an argument - incredulous]: "Yeah - and my arse is a cream bone!"

Classic for Christmas:

Trent: "We called at your property but there was no answer."
Customer: "I didn't hear you."
Trent: "Well - we knocked on both doorbells!"

Guestbook added - see "Dreambook" on the right of the page...

He's on fire at the moment - describing a friend who is popular with the girls:

"He's a real lady woman..."

A spate of recent classics:

"You know me Pipey - I haven't got a bad bone in my pocket."

"Rome wasn't built in a summer."

"Seriously - I can't keep my eyes awake..."

One from Paulie T this time:

"Her arse doesn't know what her head is doing."

"Carey is currently convalescing in hospital after receiving an emergency operation to remove her appendicitis which was rumbling"

Some overlooked ones from last year, found on a scrap of paper:

"You won't see that till come New York [New Year]."

"I fell flat on my feet."

A few more recent ones:

"It's bad for the eldery (elderly)"

"Put that in you pipe and eat it"

"It's not a plus, it's an asterix"

"Oldy woldy"

"He used to work in the Bargar Bar (Burger Bar)"

On a discussion about putting some holiday photos onto the fraud network
drive: "No, don't do that! I don't want to be implemated!" Later on discussion, someone said that Trent had used the word "implemented." Trent piped up and said: "Yes! Implemented! I got it right!"

"you should have given them a piece of your tongue"

And one from Paul T: "I tore some strings off her"

From last week, during an Interview Under Caution: "We have a copy of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act, should you wish to console it..."

On the phone: "We could argue about this until we are blue in the tooth..."

"This after nine" [This afternoon]

"That women’s as mad a March Hammer"

Reported by Colin (again): Talking to The Able about that 'who wants to be a millionaire' fraud, Trent insisted that if the major had of walked away when he had about £125,000, no-one would have 'battered' an eyelid.

Reported by Colin: On looking at the BBC news web-site Trent reported to all that “U.S. troops say they have found thousands of boxes containing an unidentified liquid and powder, as well as chemical ‘welfare’ manuals…"

"I had a Bombi Aloo..." (and when this was met with laughter): "I mean Bambi Aloo..."

"I've got a lot of gumf here..." [meaning bumf]

"It went down a bomb..."

"He changed his name his name by default..." [Deedpoll}

"You tonk..." [Donk]

"He is mendally ill..."

"Happy Christmas Casey and Paul - Love from Trent and Paul." [on a Christmas card]

"Due to the Fire Dispute all lunches exceeding one hour are suspending until further notice with immediate effect." [Official statement by email]

"Flirtagious..." [meaning 'Flirtatious']

"He can't cover the concert..." [meaning 'He can't cover the counter...']

"Prince Charles is heir to the King..."

"This meeting is now in protest..."

"St Mids..." [West Mid hospital]

A couple of recent additions:

"She's of Black, African, Asian origin."

"That's a nice bit of Canodian Chedder."

And one I missed:

"I'm in a prime splot."

It's my pleasure to bring you a few classics from the good old days...carefully selected by Emma and Webbers

"He had loads of qualifications but no Savoy."

"He didn't want to put an apple in the cart."

"It's as true as I'm standing here" [sitting down].

"I got on the bonking bronco."

"We can't give you benefit because you've escaped from hospital."

"When is it convenient for us to call? - we can't give you a day or a time."

"I went on a self-contained holiday."

"It went down faster the General Belgrado."

"That's another bow to your string."

"Marillion Falcon." [from Star wars]

"Keep your ears peeled."

"Dr Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band."

"It makes your tears water."

"Pre-density determination."

"Stop eating with your mouth full."

"It's not who you know it's what you know."

[On being asked - "Are you going out at lunchtime?"] "...yeah, but I'm not going out of the office."

A couple of overlooked additions:

"I'd like to remain ammomynous"

[On following a funeral to work]: "I f*****g hate getting stuck behind
those Hursts"

And a correction to a previous post: "A night of debauchary" should of course be: "A night of debaukary."

The sayings of Trent Phillips - the most up to date list so far.

"It's an old mother's tale."

"Just remember - I'm the monkey, you're the organ grinder."

"It goes past my head."

"It looks very similar in approach." (meaning 'appearance')

[On asylum seekers escaping from a detention centre] "There are still ten people on the large." [When this was met by laughter]: "I meant: 'in large.'"

"It was pre-medicated." (meaning pre-meditated).

"On an ad-hog basis."

"Ah, I've found their web site. Does anyone speak English?"

"Fat is very fattening."

"Mixed smice." (meaning spice).

[On the phone]: "A company as wide as you."

"Make a cuncious effort."

"Looks like the guy from the Exo advert...I mean Oxo avenue...Oxfam advert..." [gives up]

[On the phone]: "Will you insure me that you will ring me back..?"

[On Stuart being late]: "Maybe his train has been kidnapped."

"I could eat broccoli until the calves come home."

"He's a real Irish good."

[On the phone]: "It now transcribes." (meaning 'transpires').

[Having a go]: "I would just like you just to get to f***."

"It's my fault - I take the brain." (meaning 'blame')

"I'm going to Nottingham Forest to have my end taken." (meaning 'picture taken')

[On the phone]: "She supplieded me."

"We all came out doing the kango." (meaning 'congo')

"Morklight High Street."

"I'm putting my cockles in the fridge. Don't let me go with them."

"How come us three are not in a pairing?"

"Leaning tower of Pizza."

"He has a yearly annual pass."

[Measuring himself]: "I'm five-foot-twelve."

[On Stuart filing wearing a red shirt]: "You are molded into those files with that shirt."

"They get one in Saudi Araba."

"St Pancreous." (station)

"Late right rota." (meaning 'late night rota')

"All hell will go loose."

"Bisnik-like approach."

"There's one in your drawer-desk."

"A Set is a badgers house."

[On being asked if the coffee was ready]: "Yes! Can't you hear it bobbling!?"

"What have I did?"

[On Flexi-time's core hours of 8 to 6]: "The core hours are eight till nine-thirty."

"The Abel [Chris Abel] has pushed me over the side." (meaning 'edge')

[On the phone]: "We have our rules that we have to apply to..."

"Do I look like a man with 700 pounds behind my ear?"

"Ginger Flox."

"The Taste of Mongul." (meaning The Taste of Mogul.)

[On the phone]: "...actually valify the claim."

[On the phone]: "The likelihood of a prison service is highly unlikely..."

"Silly face on his face."

"I get thirty days a week annual leave."

"That's highly news."

"Neil Marrisy." (meaning Morrisy)

[Computer] "sphericals" (meaning 'peripherals').

[On someone saying: 'See you later.']: "Not if I can't help it."

"Creme Frais."

"Fromage Fresh."

[On] "Tender hooks."

"Here is a dote for your diaries."

"88 Hay Street, Whitton."

"Tickets are available today and the rest of today."

"Have you got Veronika's name? - I mean mobile number."

"Do you think you got Dislex?"

"My database crashed. I got it back. So we are all akimbo I believe."

"Pickle remedies - I mean recipes."

"Yeah - he's going out with my Misses - I mean sister."

[To a subordinate about to leave]: "Remember - you're still my boss until the end of May."

"A night of debauchary."

"Did you hear the alteration between Paul and Veronika?"

"You're like a rat around a sewer."

[taking the piss out of 'Countdown']: "I'll have a continent, Carol..."

"People in stone houses should not throw stones."

[On the phone]: "You told a member of the council an intruth."

"You'll have to drive us 'cause me and Matt will be completely inebricated."

"Yeah, I watched that Kevin of Loxley last night." [When this was met with laughter Trent said - "Well, it was Kevin Costner wasn't it?!"]

"Look at that schoolgirl - she's on her way to New Orleans." (meaning Orleans school)

"He wasn't in the right frame of mood."

"He was a gibberish wreck."

"Like a bull through a China gate."

"...and woe and behold..."

The Thames won't flood because of the "Thames Barrier Reef"

But people in flood areas "may have to be evicted."

"There was a nice Muriel on the wall"

"They disemembered her."

"You make it sound like the swinging gardens of Babylon."

[On the phone]: "Yes, this is the inspectorations team."

"You would be a lot more smoothing to the eye."

[On the phone]: "I'll put it into writing."

(a favourite - but not a mistake) "Oh there's my virtual pet fish - I wondered where that went!"

[On the phone]: "Hello Welen." (meaning Helen)

(holding his hands out in front of him and saying) "I put my hand on my heart."

"He's as dead as a doenail."

"He's a law amongst himself."

"Did her arse taste as good as it looked?"

"I'll have two rolls - one bacon, one pork - thanks Jean" (and the ladies name was June).

"Chris Yallbank." (re: celebrity Big Brother)

"Don't tan me with the same brush...."

(Another try a few weeks later): "Don't tar me with the same bush..."

[On the phone]: "Would you like to pay by instalments of a monthly nature?"

"He was multi-bilingual."

"I'm looking forward to my bacon and baguette roll."

"My road is being roadworked."

"You're being too lapsey-daisy."

"He was going hammer and tooth."

(a few weeks later) "going tooth and tongs."

(Re: Amateur Football): "It's not as if you're playing for the world country."

"As you are an avid subscriptor [to a magazine]."

"Holmans Mayonnaise."

[On being quite busy.] "Look how much notice my work has taken of me."

[On needing to get a new passport type photo taken for ID card]: "Is there one of those telephone booths in Woolworths?"

testy